In 2018, I was handed a rose quartz crystal at an influencer event in London. I was drinking champagne, wearing designer clothes, about to board another flight to somewhere expensive.
I was also completely lost.
The next seven years took me from London to LA to Bali to Lisbon. From yachts in Ibiza to night terrors on a tropical island. From manifesting Instagram followers to praying to God to save me from whatever darkness I’d invited into my life.
This is the story of how I got there. And how I finally got out.
The London Years
I started my blog to help people. Somewhere along the way, I got seduced by the lifestyle. Free meals at Michelin-starred restaurants. Luxury hotel stays. Yacht parties with rich men who didn’t know my last name. It looked good in photos.
Inside, I was so disconnected from who I actually was that all I could think about was climbing higher. Making more money. Getting more followers. I thought if I just reached the next level, I’d finally feel something.
I didn’t.
That’s when the New Age found me. Or I found it. Either way, I thought it was the answer.
Bali and the Breaking Point
I moved to Bali in 2020. Attended every full moon ceremony. Never missed a new moon ritual. Wrote in my gratitude journal daily. Thanked the universe for my blessings.
But every month, I was looking for the next thing wrong with me. The next chakra to balance. The next energy block to clear. I thought I was healing. I was actually stuck in a cycle of spiritual oppression, constantly searching for answers outside myself.
Then the spiritual attacks started. Three months of night terrors. Couldn’t sleep. No energy. No protection from whatever I’d opened myself up to.
I finally prayed to God. Not the universe. Not my guides. God.
It worked immediately.
But instead of staying connected to the Creator, I went back to the creation. Kept thanking the shaman, the moon, the energy field. It took me years to realize I was asking for help from a jealous secretary instead of going straight to the CEO.
What Actually Broke
August. My body gave up completely. Gut so inflamed I could barely eat. I spent a month alone in my house, eating clean, resting, finally letting my body feel everything I’d been running from.
That’s when I realised: I didn’t have an energy block. I had a dysregulated nervous system.
For years, I’d been in what’s called a high-functioning freeze. Productive on the outside. Numb on the inside. Moving forward but completely stuck. No amount of manifestation could fix that. I had to go into my body.
EFT. Somatic practices. Trauma-informed nervous system work. That’s what finally released what was stuck.
And I finally surrendered to God. Not as a concept. As the actual Creator who designed my body to heal.
Lisbon and What Peace Actually Feels Like
Now I live between London, Lisbon, and Paris. But Lisbon is where I found peace. Where my body finally felt safe enough to rest.
I don’t do moon ceremonies anymore. I pray. I don’t journal about what’s wrong with me. I use nervous system regulation tools. I don’t search for the next healing modality. I trust that God’s plan is better than anything I could script into existence.
This is the most peaceful I’ve ever been. Not because life is perfect. But because my body finally feels safe.
I’m writing a book about this. The full ten-year journey from influencer lifestyle to actual healing. From the universe to God. From high-functioning freeze to embodied safety.
If you’re tired of the spiritual hustle, I’m hosting small circles in February. Just a space to breathe. Be. Let your body finally relax.
No spiritual bypassing. Just trauma-informed work grounded in how you were designed to heal.
Learn more about the circles here
Download my free guide: Map Your Feminine Nervous System
You’re not broken. Your body is just exhausted. And it can heal.
Tania
