Single and in Love

Okay, this post has been on my mind ever since I started this blog and yes shockingly I have been single for the entire time. I never had guts to share it until my A-HAA moment the other evening where I felt extremely okay with being vulnerable. It feels like my whole life led up to this moment where I see myself as a part of a collective consciousness where I feel happy, content and in love. Note I’m in love with myself, and I couldn’t be more proud of this realisation especially as it has been such a journey and a process to get here. Long gone are the days where I prefer others over myself and where I put their needs ahead of mine. I see my energy and time as a valuable and unrenewable resource and one that I’m not so willing to share lightly with everyone as much as I did before.

It all started four years with me going on a first few Tinder dates with this guy that I ended up seeing for a couple of weeks, but our connection was so strong that I feel it even up to this day. My first date wasn’t four years ago, but it was the time where I decided to become a serial dater. I went on so many dates, and as long as they had one thing that sparked my interest, I was down to meet them. Well, aside from that one mutual interest they had to be over 6ft tall, have a beard, beautiful eyes and somewhat a creative — my type to a T.

Their personality didn’t mean that much because I developed so many personas to go with so many men that I became rather good at the dating game. Most first dates I went on were so fun unless they lied about their height which would instantly put me off and I would politely excuse myself after the first drink blaming it on the workload. You would be surprised at how many men lie about their height and I just never got it. Do they think we don’t notice and even worse if you are capable of lying about weird things such as your height, what else are you capable of lying about?

Come to a second date I later realised that I developed somewhat of a fight or flight response where I would figure that there is not much connection between the two of us and I made him up to be something else in my head. My fight or flight response was where I would present myself as this annoying girl that puts most men off, or I would start sharing my opinions on the controversial matter that there is no way in the world they could agree with me. Sometimes they would agree with everything I say and in which case I would end up playing I’m not going to text you back for a few days until I get bored or ghost you all together. This kind of behaviour may make me sound awful, but I was battling so many demons that I wasn’t even aware of.

The worst of all I didn’t even know that this whole thing was happening to me on the subconscious level. Most of the time I would end up playing a victim and complain to my friends when they don’t text me back in three hours. I was looking for the smallest reasons not to make things work convincing myself that they are not into me. I never even gave them a chance.

I went on so many dates and dated so many men that I lost count. It may sound awful since I’m a woman and I know that most of the society says that we should settle by the time we are 30 and don’t date so much, but this never sounded like something I should do. I always prefered to explore and find the feeling that’s just right for me. I realised that after going on so many dates and giving energy to these dates sometimes a couple of times a week, I had little left in me for myself.

Looking back now, I didn’t love myself, and I wasn’t kind to myself. I would always blame myself for everything, and I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be someone I’m not. It was so exhausting that after I dated this singer guy a couple of months back, I decided that its the time to thoroughly and 100% only commit to the most important relationship in my life, the one with myself. So I deleted all the dating apps and have been date free since July. Now once I week I take myself on a date and make that time to spend with myself, no distraction, no phone, just me and the activity. Sometimes I go on long walks, the other time for lunch, I go to galleries, I stroll markets, and I read books. And wow I have never felt more inspired, more energised and more positive in my entire life.

I realised after my entire dating career that I was hooked on it. I used it to mask the real need for a relationship with my inner self, and that connection was missing for a long time. I came to a place where I didn’t know what I wanted anymore or who I was. I felt ungrateful and uninspired. Even when things were going amazingly well in my life both dating and work, I just took it all for granted, and I had no gratitude towards it. I realised if I don’t have a lot of love for myself, I sure don’t love others and something had to change. Well, I love my family and friends, but you know what I mean. I used dating apps as a shield for avoiding my true feelings. I’m a shy person, so I was scared to look at men in real life or make a connection unless they make me feel comfortable first. I knew that I could go home put my PJs on a swipe for mere 5 minutes and I would legit have a date or two scheduled for the next few days.

Being a serial dater is a disease because I didn’t know what it is it that I wanted and I didn’t even know if I liked the people I went on dates with. I always had to tell myself things like oh he is tall and has a good job, surely that’s enough to want to explore the possibility of a relationship. How about his cool apartment or the car he drives, he has a cool style. Therefore, I should like him. He is a photographer he must make a great Insta husband, and so on. I tried to convince myself the reasons why I needed to let these men in when truly I felt nothing but anxiety towards them. There were only three guys that made me feel something exciting in the last four years, and I saw them for an extended period of time until my past relationship experiences started creeping in self-sabotaging any possibility of a deeper connection. I know they were like me self discovering and figuring things out, but we were always so scared to admit it that fizzling things out always seemed like an easy option and a way out.

The past two months were some of my favourite months in London. I spend time on myself and my friends. I work out, and I work. I meditate, and I write. I perform most actions in my new life with an intent, and the anxiety has vanished. I have cleaned up my side of the street for the most situations that I felt like I did something wrong, and my conscience is clear.

Since I’m in such a great place, I started noticing all these gorgeous men around me; we even flirt in real life and talk, it feels so lovely. I don’t have to hide behind a screen or have meaningless chats with people that don’t interest me. I have so much more confidence in looking straight at them and smiling, and this is something that I would rather die than do even only six months ago. I also feel like I may be ready to let someone in for real this time, but there needs to be a specific feeling I’m looking for. The feeling and the height although I have reduced the minimum to 5.10 because tall guys don’t interest me as much anymore, the personality is a must, they need to be funny and strong enough to be vulnerable. They need to match my current vibe, and I’m happy to let go of my shallowness around their looks and lifestyles.

It’s genuinely an excellent place to be in when you feel good in knowing that something beautiful is coming to the point that I don’t even need to think about it. I don’t have to wonder how or plan around it. I know that I have worked on myself enough to be ready to have a connection with a man who shares my vibe and gives me that feeling in my belly that fires up the whole body. I’m not looking to settle for anything else.

Because I have been on this journey for so long, I want to share some tips that will help you fall in love with yourself and help you get to a place where everything you do brings you nothing but joy. If you just ended a long relationship and the universe led you to this post trust that there is no better time than now to focus on the most important thing in your life, a relationship with yourself.

• Being alone doesn’t mean lonely, but it’s a massive opportunity to rediscover everything that sparks life in you and brings you joy. Write down your hobbies, people, places and activities that make you happy and plan to do them.
• If you are like myself and Netflix and Chill brings you joy, not having a cuddle can be a downside but on the other hand, watching whatever you want and not being afraid to share you recently watched list is very liberating and comfortable.
• All the time that you spend thinking about one man can now be directed towards a new activity or hobby that you could even turn into a business like a real badass boss babe. If you want to learn how here are some of my IGTV “Hobby to Business” episodes.
• Start focusing on doing something creative that you always wanted to and soon you will discover a whole new world of like-minded individuals who are hot and will flirt with you. You can, of course, choose to go at your own pace but meeting people in person based around the same interest that you have is so much more fun because you can sass their vibe out and immediately avoid the awkwardness.
• Read a book or go to a local book store to browse, buy a coffee and sit in the park and read. Cherish this time with yourself because even one hour of quality time spend on your own where you remove all the worry and mindfully focus on the present moment will inspire you to do something else that will make you happy. Note happiness and joy attracts more happiness and joy, so don’t be scared to look up and notice a cute guy whos looking and smiling at you across the lawn because he is feeling your vibe. Smile back.
• Travel! Go alone and love life. I truly discovered gratitude and self-love when I started solo travelling. I was nervous at first, but with each day on the trip, I decided to do one thing outside of my comfort zone. Before I knew it, I’ve learned how to ski, how to surf, climb things and places, smile at strangers and meet new friends. Omg, the amount of liberation I felt is incomprehensible, and I started appreciating myself so much more. Trust me its the best place you can be and nothing compares to it.
• The freedom to decide whatever without compromises. Wow, it feels so good to do whatever you want without worrying about what the other person who is not on your vibe level may think. This freedom to see whomever you want, go wherever you want and do whatever you wish to is priceless, and only the ones that feel the same are welcome to join. I was surprised at how many amazing new people I met after I decided to cut out toxic people and relationships from my life. We share the same vibe, respect and interests, and I look forward to spending my valuable time with them.
• Do one thing you were always so scared of because this thing most of the time ends up being a passion, so follow it no matter what. Fuck what the society may think or say, do you boo. For example, I love shooting solo and setting up my tripod and taking my photos and even though this was one of the scariest things for me to do at first, I now know that nothing brings me more joy. I started sharing about it on my Instagram, and a lot of lovely girls message me and say I also take photos lets shoot each other. The thing is I have people in my life that I can shoot with, but I chose to shoot alone because I love it not because I have to. Of course, it is not always possible to do, but whenever I can, I chose to solo shoot because I’m the only person that has my vision.

I’m probably not ready to get back into dating, but I’m always willing to meet amazing people that make me feel and give me nothing but good vibes. I never felt happier.

Lots of love
Tania x

Note: This post means no disrespect towards man I dated, if anything I feel so much love and gratitude for all of them, even the bad ones. I found these words to be the best way to express myself and how I feel around this part of my life.