2020 forced me to stop running, running from myself, relationships, stability and a community. I always felt unsafe to anchor down and grow the roots, but little did I know that this is where the safety stemmed from.
My past pretty much consisted of constant moving. I don’t mean moving from one city to another but more so from one situation and group of people to another. Leaving that person or job behind is what brought temporary satisfaction to my soul.
I came to a place where being alone made me feel safer than being surrounded by people. I took this way of life to another level when I started to blog and solo travel. Solo travel brought so much satisfaction to my life which lasted as long as my trips. It did however, made me grow on so many levels and for that, I’m so thankful.
Why did I keep on running?
I was always looking to experience something new, someone else and someplace different without even realising I was running away from the core of what needed facing.
The fear of creating deep and meaningful bonds was so deep-rooted that suppressing it and seeing it to the depths of my body where I felt it non-existent. After a while, I couldn’t even remember what it was that I was running from.
And I didn’t remember until I met one person or experienced a situation that brought it all up like a sharp trigger. Then I would jump on that rollercoaster of convincing myself that this doesn’t matter and this doesn’t need my attention. Suppressing it back where it came from, somewhere deep in me where I won’t feel it, at least not until I forced to relive and suppress again.
The suppression and I gamed around for over 20 years if not more. We were familiar with each other and had a good avoidance process. She would come in and remind me that its time to forget and convince me that this is the only way to feel safe.
Better safe than sorry she would often say to me. All these years even when I made myself take risks. I always took them with a plan B in place to ensure that the safety net is in place waiting for me in case I fall.
How 2020 made me face my fears?
Until 2020 happen and all the knowledge of familiar and safety dispursed. My plan B was made up until April but passed that point I had no clue about how will I support myself, where will I live, who are my friends? Even after arriving in Bali, I played it safe by surrounding myself with convenient situations and people versus the unknown. This seemed to be an autopilot mode of mine.
April came and my flight home got cancelled and I realised now is the time to finally get the universe take me where I needed to be. The place without safety nets and familiar situations, a place with no escape plans. Nothing left to do but live in the present, daydream and practice trust that all is well.
Little by little new people and situations started rolling in forcing me to face my fears and learn a little more into having stabilised relationships. I kept on recognising triggers in some of these relationships and experiencing them for what they are.
Deciding whether or not to remain in presented energy or simply continue down the familiar path of moving on and escaping it all once again became my monthly practice. I did keep moving on, but instead of running, I decided to make my emotions a compass and quiet down the fear. You see fear kept me running and when I uncovered this pattern, I started to properly distinguish between feel good and bad emotions.
I would sort out situations in my life based on the joy factor. I became Mary Kondo of emotions asking all situations in my life: do you bring me joy or do you bring me fear? The inner voice would then happily answer and with a little practice my ego massively quiets down allowing more and more positive relationships in my life.
It also meant that I had to become comfortable with removing relationships that didn’t bring me joy from my life. I experienced a lot of these in 2020 and by trusting my gut and leaving on a positive note allowed me to move from these with love and light in my heart. You see I was an expert in wanting bad for myself for so many years.
This is why I remained in contact for years with all the boys that hurt my feelings. They kept on coming back and my ego was so happy with that that it wanted to change them into something they are not. I realised why wish to change people to be what you want them to be when you can simply love and release them and create space for better connections to come through.
I had guys message me for over five years and all they wanted to talk about is the weather and small chats until I decided that this is not what sets my soul on fire. Small chats with men that brought the false sense of intimacy to me on few occasions. I want more there is more, and I’m going to get it. No questions asked and just trust.
Self Love Realisations
These realisations came to me when I slowed down and allowed my higher self to speak to me instead of my ego. Ego is also love and kinda cute as its always trying to protect us from something. All I needed to do is thank it and say that I’m not a victim and I don’t need protection. I create my reality consciously using my feelings as my compass and that’s how I intend to live my life, the whole rest of it.
And sure there will be situations that will yank me right out of my alignment but I have to build a strong relationship with myself that the tools to get back to it are whispered to me so clearly that I can’t ignore it. Once you experience the ease of life there is no going back but rather mere exposure to the darkness to realise that my choices and always choose better for myself.
Looking back now I wish I never created the safety net. The growth that came from the lack of is so tremendous, it makes me wonder why did I ever not want to feel safe and loved. Loved and accepted by myself as only then can I allow love and acceptance from others.
I have created a self-love manual to get you started on your self-love journey if you’re not on it yet, get it by following this link. 2021 is the year when we all step into our powers and unapologetically wish more love and joy in our lives.
I’m wishing you all the best in 2021 and may light and joy find you wherever you are.
Tania xxx