Autumn 2017, I met up with Siff of Icing and Glitter for brunch and shoot at the Farm Girl in Notting Hill. 2017 was my second year of blogging, and it was going great. The truth to be told I had a career going and the job was so demanding that I didn’t pay too much attention to my blog as a business but more as my weekly diary. Noting too crazy, I remember sitting at my desk writing my weekly posts publishing three times a week. It would take me an hour per post, so I missed most of my lunch breaks to stay back and write and post.
My blog was a place for my creative release, but it didn’t feel like a significant part of my life, and most certainly, it never blew up. Yes, I was ranked in top 10 London Lifestyle bloggers by Vuelio for three years running, but it never felt like it was a life-changing experience nor did I feel like I was delivering much value to people who read it.
Back to my chat with Siff, so Siff mentioned in passing over our Avo toast and Rose lates that she gets so many DMs from girls relating to her posts and she loves sharing her lessons and experiences. She said Tania you have to its the best way to connect. I looked at her and said wow yes you are right, but I had no idea how or what Siff meant. I never got any DMs after uploading a blog post, so I had an idea but didn’t genuinely know what she said. Can you believe that this stuck with me for two years? Siff if you are reading this I love you, and you are such an inspiration to me.
I didn’t know how to connect, and I didn’t know where to start, so I stuck to what I know. My comfort zone and describing my weekly experiences and sharing yet another brunch and afternoon tea spot in London. Still feeling mundane about it and not even expecting any changes. I was more of “things to do” website than a blogger. The problem was that even though I thought I believed in myself there was a massive part of me that didn’t, and I felt scared to be myself. I was so afraid that I became a different person and behaved in a way that I thought I should over who I indeed was. I lost myself.
Two years fast forward: I finally know what Siff meant by saying connect. Truthfully I was disconnected from myself and how could I ever relate to someone else when I didn’t even know what my purpose was. I hid behind countless brunch and travel experiences descriptions, city facts and as much as I’m grateful for every single one of it, I wasn’t feeling myself. This whole thing put a massive strain on my blogging ability because the words weren’t coming easily, and I had to force them out of myself to write another blog post. The last six months were particularly hard, and I reduced my blogging from three posts per week to barely three a month until last night. Read on.
This year has been a big learning curve for me on so many levels that I can’t even tell you, but I will share as I go along. I can share now because I don’t have to scrap the bottom of my soul for meaningless words. I wrote all this in 15 minutes because I mean it and it comes from the heart. The words are finally flowing through me, and I’m connected to my source and who I truly am. I can feel it in my bones.
Last night I went to bed intending to wake up at 5 am and do a solo sunrise shoot. I was thinking well I need to try even harder to get better photos when it suddenly dawned on me, it came to me so clearly that I had to grab my phone and dictate the whole list of blog topics and share it on my Instagram stories. I was nervous, I was thinking is my ego playing tricks on me, am I looking for attention? But this realisation was so strong that no ego could get in the way. It’s so strong that I’m willing to risk all of my followers. I went for it and soon as I pressed the share button my DMs started pinging, not like blow up crazy but a good few girls saying that they want to read everything on my list and that I inspire them.
That’s it for me! I finally reached a place where I feel enlightened, where I know who I am and where I don’t need to hide behind another travel post, another red dress or another worldly fact although a lot of you like those so I may sprinkle them around as I go.
I think my new found inspiration came after listening to Lana Del Rays new album and reading Dolly Alderton’s Everything I know about love. It also came after spending three days in Devon surfing with girls that aren’t bloggers but creatives of their own right. I was so in awe of how these women were so amazingly themselves and something I’m not so used to on press trips. It dawned on me that myself is beautiful too and that I finally need to release this person into the world and inspire and motivate all the girls that felt and feel like me — scared to come into their power, regularly playing small to avoid offending or confrontations, dimming that light to fit in. Oh, how wrong was I? There is nothing more beautiful than a woman sure of herself! I know this because I have dealt with most of my insecurities, and my light is finally ready to come out.
I was riddled with insecurities. I have been to the darkest parts of my soul you can’t even imagine, quietly battling severe anxiety and depression inside while remaining a happy chappy on the outside to the family and the world. Only after spending a week with my mom did I realise that this is the case. She rescued me from anorexia once, and now she rescued me from depression without even knowing it. Although anorexia was too visible to hide as I went from size 10 to size 4. Anxiety is easier to hide.
But because she is my mom I lashed at her few times for something so stupid, and after our trip, I felt so bad, and I realised that because I’ve been playing this strong woman on the outside and bottling all the pain inside that I was capable of lashing out at my own mother. The woman who gave me life. And guess what this realisation was finally my healing.
Two weeks post our trip I spent every single day on the phone to my mom, we didn’t talk about any deep shit but just having our standard conversations and catch-ups. I felt her love and something in me just came together, and I realised that I do too have a love for myself and forgave myself for lashing out at her and for lashing out at myself. I realised that I don’t need to try and tone down who I truly am because those who matter will stick around and those who don’t will leave and I’m so grateful for that.
You see once you hit the bottom the best thing that happens you feel ok with the loss because you lost already and that’s a beautiful thing. Every negative experience we encounter is here to teach us what we truly want from life and once you are down there is no where else to go but up. Our time on this beautiful planet Earth is so valuable and I’m taking my power back. I don’t want to waste my most valuable unrenewable resource on another meaningless blog post, another shallow relationship or even a conversation.
I want to help others who are going through the same as me both in the blogging industry and outside of it. It’s the most beautiful time to be a woman but also the hardest because we have to play these strong personalities even though we may not be that. I am finally ready to be vulnerable and as Brene Brown says “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” I’m finally ready to walk inside my story and be vulnerable and share it with the world for real. Those who need it the most will find their way to it and will know that this is the sign and it’s time to heal.
I hope you can join me on this newfound path and take the journey of coming into your self and power whilst I share real-life experiences and everything I go through as a blogger, friend relationships, dating, living as a young independent woman in London, making money, being a creative and buying an apartment. I’m ready to show up in my blog posts as the words finally come to me easy. I’m connected to the source and I know who I am.
Please remember that whatever you are going through you are not alone and try to find ways to feel good regardless of how hard it may be. I’m sharing more about feel-good captions on my Instagram so head over there to connect. Feel free to DM me as I always have time for my community. We are in this together.